JOKES
Printed From: CorrectCraftFan.com
Category: General Correct Craft Discussion
Forum Name: Off Topic
Forum Discription: Anything non-Correct Craft
URL: http://www.CorrectCraftFan.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=21374
Printed Date: January-22-2025 at 2:11pm
Topic: JOKES
Posted By: sweet77
Subject: JOKES
Date Posted: April-20-2011 at 3:57am
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A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.” The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.” Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.” ------------- http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5528&sort=&pagenum=1" rel="nofollow - 76 Nautique "If you do what you always did,You'll get what you always got!" "An empty wagon makes t |
Replies:
Posted By: eric lavine
Date Posted: April-21-2011 at 10:20am
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I got a tattoo of Obama on my arm...my arm quit working ------------- "the things you own will start to own you" |
Posted By: 86BFN
Date Posted: April-22-2011 at 11:55pm
 Can't Imagine.... 
When Ragan was president, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is president, we have no hope, and no cash!  ------------- 👣 Steve http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=4057&sort=&pagenum=1&yrstart=1986&yrend=1986" rel="nofollow - 86 Barefoot Nautique 89 Martinique Former Owner: 93 Hydrodyne 350 MAG |
eric lavine wrote:Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: April-23-2011 at 9:49am
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A blonde telephoned a long-distance operator and asked,"could you tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?" The operator said Just a minute...
The blonde said thanks and hung up ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: harddock
Date Posted: April-23-2011 at 10:07am
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Mexico is the largest importer of mayonaise from England. They have been importing it for years. In fact the Titanic which was scheduled to stop in Mexico after New York had over 50,000 cases on board when it hit the iceburg.
Mexico was so disdraught over the incident they declare a national holiday. That is how we got Sinko The Mayo. ------------- http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=4487" rel="nofollow - 1998 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: NEDLUTZ
Date Posted: April-23-2011 at 12:05pm
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A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store. "But I'm a college graduate. " the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how. "
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Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: April-24-2011 at 12:26am
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A young boy walked into the kitchen and asked his mother. "is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
Of course not where did you hear that? Well I heard daddy talking on the phone and he said he screwed the a$$ off his secretary?  ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: Morfoot
Date Posted: April-24-2011 at 12:05pm
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out skiing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ------------- "Morfoot; He can ski. He can wakeboard.He can cook chicken.He can create his own self-named beverage, & can also apparently fly. A man of many talents."72 Mustang "Kermit",88 SN Miss Scarlett, 99 SN "Sherman" |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: April-25-2011 at 12:34pm
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Ok one for the day
A man and a woman met on a cruise ship. I want to warn you up front that I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, & breathe the game! Well since your being honest so will I. I'm a hooker. I see Well... Its probably because you're not keeping your wrist straight when you hit the ball? ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: Keuka
Date Posted: April-25-2011 at 11:03pm
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Yesterday being Easter Sunday, the kids all wake up to find baskets full of goodies. My five year old looks at his basket and screams.
I ask him what that was for He responded "I'm givin a shout out to my peeps" ------------- 86 Martinique |
Posted By: BlondieGurl1443
Date Posted: April-26-2011 at 7:24pm
| A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!" |
Posted By: Hollywood
Date Posted: April-27-2011 at 7:20pm
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Lisa? ------------- |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: April-27-2011 at 9:51pm
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A man joined a dating service to find a mate. He requested a woman who enjoyed water sports and liked formal attire? They set him up with a penguin. ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: IAughtNaut
Date Posted: April-28-2011 at 1:32pm
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are we doing penguin jokes?
A penguin's car breaks down so he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says it'll be about an hour so the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream stand for some ice cream. Well as you know, penguins don't have hands, so he made a mess and got ice cream all over his face and beak. When he returned to the shop, the mechanic says, Mr Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal. To which the penguin replies, no, that's just a little ice cream. ------------- bring the ruckus http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5347" rel="nofollow - 2000 Pro Air |
Posted By: harddock
Date Posted: April-28-2011 at 9:21pm
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A blonde pushes her BMW into the car lot and tells the mechanic, " it just died". After tinkering around for a bit the mechanic has it running smoothly. "What's the story?" the blonde asks. The mechanic responds, " just crap in the carburator". The blondes says "great, how often do I have to do that?" ------------- http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=4487" rel="nofollow - 1998 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: jbear
Date Posted: April-29-2011 at 1:24am
Thats what I thought too HW. Sent an e-mail and got no answer back. john ------------- "Loud pipes save lives" AdamT sez "I'm Canadian and a beaver lover myself"... |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: May-03-2011 at 3:16am
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A man was too drunk to drive so he left his car and began walking home. A policeman stopped him and asked what are you doing out here at two A.M.?
I'm going to a lecture! The cop asked and just who is giving a lecture at this time of night? My Wife. ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: 86BFN
Date Posted: May-06-2011 at 8:45pm
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Obama killed Osama and we got 72 versions. ------------- 👣 Steve http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=4057&sort=&pagenum=1&yrstart=1986&yrend=1986" rel="nofollow - 86 Barefoot Nautique 89 Martinique Former Owner: 93 Hydrodyne 350 MAG |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: May-11-2011 at 12:50pm
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A man sitting at home on the porch with his wife and says," I Love You!" She asks, Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, " It's me ...................................................................................................................................................................talking to the BEER! ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: eric lavine
Date Posted: May-11-2011 at 4:25pm
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Osama's favorite drink is 2 shots and a squirt of water
good one Marty ------------- "the things you own will start to own you" |
Posted By: Kristof
Date Posted: May-12-2011 at 8:47am
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Q: Why don't women fart...?
A: They do not shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------- - Gun control means: using BOTH hands! - Money doesn't make one happy, but when it rains cats and dogs, it's still better to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle... |
Posted By: NEDLUTZ
Date Posted: May-12-2011 at 11:44pm
| The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid. The fairy godmother says, "I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions! "Anything, " says Cinderella, "anything! "Okay the first condition is you have to wear a d...iaphragm. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin," says the fairy godmother. So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearance... no pumpkin! The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power. Then Cinderella replies, "Peter, Peter something or other? " |
Posted By: NEDLUTZ
Date Posted: June-02-2011 at 11:32am
| Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see... you back in court Monday. "Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend? "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. " "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them? "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs. "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do? " (to the 2nd boy)"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever. " "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that! "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your a$$ hole before prison." |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: June-02-2011 at 12:09pm
  ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: skicat2001
Date Posted: June-02-2011 at 5:25pm
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A plane flying along at normal altitude, the pilot notice that they where losing altitiude.So the pilot decided to dump most of the cargo out of the plane to regain alititude. The cargo did not help, and the plane was still losing altitude.
The pilot then scratched his head and said" to regain altitude the only thing to do now is to lose most of the passengers". We will go alphabetical order.The pilot made the announement throughout the plane. One hispanic boy turned and looked at his dad, and said dad, we are hispanic, we will be one of the first one's. His father looked at his son and said, no son, we are WETBACKS TODAY.
A black boy was really terrified and turned and looked at his mom and said, mom we will be one of the first ones. We are black mom. His mother turned and looked her son and said, No son, we are ngga's TODAY..
My good black friend her at work told me that joke. I bought died when I heard it.. Hope you enjoy ------------- 1985 CC 2001-SOLD Lee Michael Johnson |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: June-07-2011 at 10:59pm
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A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it." His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. He heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing?" His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your tail!" ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: June-19-2011 at 4:20pm
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A young Scotsman went to study at a English university and lived in a residence hall with other students.After a month or so his mother came to visit. How do you like the English students son? she asked.
Mother! they're such noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and the one on the other side screams all night? How do you put up with such noisy neighbors? I ignore them. I just mind my own business and play my bagpipes. ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: June-21-2011 at 1:10am
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March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch. My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon. 
It was around then that the fight started... What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean which I stated to her. I should be out of the hospital next week!!  ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: OverMyHead
Date Posted: June-21-2011 at 2:27am
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Along the same line.
Three friends married women from different parts of the country. The first man married a woman from South Dakota. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.The second man married a woman from Wisconsin. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees. ------------- For thousands of years men have felt the irresistible urge to go to sea, and many of them died. Things got better after they invented boats. 1987 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: OverMyHead
Date Posted: June-21-2011 at 2:39am
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My wife and I were checking out new churches, we found one we liked but it was very strict. During a membership meeting we along with two other maried couples were told we had to prove ourselves worthy by going without sex for three months. A meeting was scheduled for 90 days later. At the meeting one couple stated they only held out for two weeks and were promply shown the door and told they could never apply for membership again. The second couple stated proudly that they had lasted just over two months before finally giving in to temptation. they were also told they could never apply for membership again. It came to our turn and I had to confess that we did great for 87 days but on the 88th my wife dropped a jar of penut butter and bent over to pick it up and that was all I could take. I had to have her right then and there, Of course we were told by the church that we could never re-apply again. I said "thats ok, we were banned from our favorite grocery store for life too!" ------------- For thousands of years men have felt the irresistible urge to go to sea, and many of them died. Things got better after they invented boats. 1987 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: cphase
Date Posted: June-22-2011 at 10:30pm
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Thought I will share this....lol
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets, I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...) TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!) FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!! FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Brunette, by the way!! SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!' Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true... ------------- Thanks, Jeff http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=6549" rel="nofollow - 82 SN http://www.archlinux.org" rel="nofollow - Arch Linux |
Posted By: cphase
Date Posted: June-22-2011 at 10:39pm
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My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... ****************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ****************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... ***************************************** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started ... ****************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a Gas station. And then the fight started... ****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ****************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ****************************************** A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... ------------- Thanks, Jeff http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=6549" rel="nofollow - 82 SN http://www.archlinux.org" rel="nofollow - Arch Linux |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: July-08-2011 at 1:02am
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------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: OverMyHead
Date Posted: July-09-2011 at 12:57am
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funny! ------------- For thousands of years men have felt the irresistible urge to go to sea, and many of them died. Things got better after they invented boats. 1987 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: July-25-2011 at 10:29pm
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------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: July-25-2011 at 10:40pm
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------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: 8122pbrainard
Date Posted: July-25-2011 at 10:56pm
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Marty,
I emailed Reid for your phone # but he and Lorie may not back home yet. Dammit, I want to talk to you!! pbrainard@shalestamping.com ------------- /diaries/details.asp?ID=1622" rel="nofollow - 54 Atom /diaries/details.asp?ID=2179" rel="nofollow - 77 Tique 64 X55 Dunphy Keep it original, Pete < |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: January-09-2012 at 7:47pm
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Found this in my Inbox today from Storm34
I have suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs; if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with her girlfriends a lot and stays out late. I try to stay awake and wait for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night, about midnight, I hid in the shed, behind my boat. When she finally came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, and then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on under her short skirt. It was at that moment, crouched behind my boat, I noticed a hairline line crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket? ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: Kristof
Date Posted: January-10-2012 at 12:28pm
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------------- - Gun control means: using BOTH hands! - Money doesn't make one happy, but when it rains cats and dogs, it's still better to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle... |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: February-14-2012 at 1:07pm
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After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced at his ladylove, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain of guilt. Relax he told himself. Your not the first doctor that sleep with one of his patients.
No, another inner voice scolded! but but your a veterinarian? ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: March-25-2012 at 2:09pm
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New iPhone ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: jimsport93
Date Posted: March-25-2012 at 2:19pm
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Now that is funny! Marty you may have to get one and use the "awesome job finding app" ------------- http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=2798 - 93 Sport Nautique |
Posted By: GlassSeeker
Date Posted: March-26-2012 at 6:17am
 Story from a Kansas Highway Patrol Officer: I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. . 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a Colt .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a High Capacity 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 Special Snubby in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of? She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fu**ing thing!" ------------- This is the life |
Posted By: Kristof
Date Posted: March-26-2012 at 10:16am
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Great, just great!! ------------- - Gun control means: using BOTH hands! - Money doesn't make one happy, but when it rains cats and dogs, it's still better to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle... |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: March-26-2012 at 9:27pm
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------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: March-27-2012 at 1:44pm
This helps me pass the time sometimes  http://garyc.me/fun/bring.swf" rel="nofollow - Click on Me Then click on pic ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: harddock
Date Posted: March-27-2012 at 2:31pm
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when an Amish family went to a hotel for the first time the father and son walked in first. They noticed an elderly lady walk into a room, the doors closed and a light lit up the #5. A few minutes the doors open and out walks a beautiful young woman. Having never seen an elevator before the father says to the son. Quick, go get your mom, send her into that room and press 10. ------------- http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=4487" rel="nofollow - 1998 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: May-03-2012 at 3:32pm
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------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: May-04-2012 at 10:55am
 A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to “God, USA”, they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those ***************s took $95.00 in taxes. ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: NEDLUTZ
Date Posted: May-04-2012 at 4:53pm
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1+2 = 3 Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.... Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.' |
Posted By: tullfooter
Date Posted: May-04-2012 at 7:35pm
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I'm not sure if this one was posted yet. Always cracks me up. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/audio/play/962/" rel="nofollow - BlondeStar ------------- Play hard, life's not a trial run. '85 BFN '90 BFN White Lake, Michigan |
Posted By: mdvalant
Date Posted: August-24-2012 at 2:46pm
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THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once Before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. ------------- http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5009 - '90 Ski (sold) http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5479 - '00 Sport Mississippi River - Bellevue, IA |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: January-22-2013 at 10:37pm
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What's clear and smells like earthworm? A Robins Fart ! My 8 year old ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: January-24-2013 at 8:52pm
Oh-- Sure-- blame it on the kid  You probably heard it at the watercooler and decided to pass it along ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: cphase
Date Posted: January-24-2013 at 9:09pm
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You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys: At a high school in Wisconsin, a group of male students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3. Now that's funny, I don't care who you are..... And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin! ------------- Thanks, Jeff http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=6549" rel="nofollow - 82 SN http://www.archlinux.org" rel="nofollow - Arch Linux |
Posted By: john b
Date Posted: January-27-2013 at 1:27pm
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A man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". ------------- 1970 Mustang "Theseus' paradox" If everyone else is doing it, you're too late! |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: February-05-2013 at 2:23am
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I was walking down the street and hooker came up and said I'll do anything for a hundred bucks ? I said OK paint my house ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: john b
Date Posted: February-27-2013 at 9:25pm
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Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second man dies. ------------- 1970 Mustang "Theseus' paradox" If everyone else is doing it, you're too late! |
Posted By: cphase
Date Posted: March-01-2013 at 12:24am
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Sent to me by the GREAT Marty Mabe or Mabe not... STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM Iwould have given him 100% for his wit!!! Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?*It will simply become wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack. Spread the laughter, share the cheer Let's be happy, while we're here !! ------------- Thanks, Jeff http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=6549" rel="nofollow - 82 SN http://www.archlinux.org" rel="nofollow - Arch Linux |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: April-10-2013 at 11:13pm
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick. ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: Kristof
Date Posted: April-11-2013 at 5:29am
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ROFL!!! ------------- - Gun control means: using BOTH hands! - Money doesn't make one happy, but when it rains cats and dogs, it's still better to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle... |
Posted By: Kristof
Date Posted: April-11-2013 at 5:43am
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A couple is on vacation in Jeruzalem. Whilst there, the wife suddenly dies. The local undertaker says to the husband: "We can transport the body of your late wife back to your home to be burried there for $ 5000. Or, we can burry her here for $ 150 and she would be burried in holy ground". The husband thinks it over for a while and says to the undertaker: "Just tranport her home". "Are you sure?" asks the undertaker, "you would rather spend 5000 dollars instead of only 150 dollars and also not burry your wife in the holy ground of Jeruzalem??" "Look," replies the husband, "a very very long time ago, a man was burried in this holy ground and ressurected from the dead three days later. THAT is a risk I do not wish to take!" ------------- - Gun control means: using BOTH hands! - Money doesn't make one happy, but when it rains cats and dogs, it's still better to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle... |
Posted By: OverMyHead
Date Posted: September-01-2013 at 6:06pm
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault." ------------- For thousands of years men have felt the irresistible urge to go to sea, and many of them died. Things got better after they invented boats. 1987 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: February-19-2014 at 10:31pm
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From The Donald ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: OverMyHead
Date Posted: February-19-2014 at 11:04pm
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Its horribly wrong how long it took for me to catch on. I was looking for things in the background... waiting patiently for the joke. I must be getting old. ------------- For thousands of years men have felt the irresistible urge to go to sea, and many of them died. Things got better after they invented boats. 1987 Ski Nautique |
Posted By: Bones71
Date Posted: February-19-2014 at 11:32pm
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There was this women in the check out line in the grocery store. She had only a fee items to buy. A half gallon of milk. Two apples. A small bag of coffe and a magazine. This drunk guy came up behind her in line and said " lady you must be single" she said " i am but how do you know? He said " Cause your ugly as ***************!". ------------- That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said 'Goodbye' |
Posted By: john b
Date Posted: February-20-2014 at 6:11am
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Marty, I found this reasonably amusing..... Until I watched the out takes. I woke my wife up at 0248 with my laughing. Great. ------------- 1970 Mustang "Theseus' paradox" If everyone else is doing it, you're too late! |
Posted By: fanofccfan
Date Posted: February-20-2014 at 10:07am
| ^^^^same thing happened to me...... |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: April-03-2014 at 10:41am
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http://zite.to/QGjsBY" rel="nofollow - KIDS Test Answers ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: Smithfamily
Date Posted: April-03-2014 at 4:20pm
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I do business with restaurants, and I was in one the other day, waiting for a check. They were preparing for dinner, and the all male wait staff was busy setting and prepping the fancy tables. Dressed in pressed white shirts, black bowtie and black slacks, they were an impressive sight. As I watched and waited, it occurred to me that they all had a spoon in their chest pocket. Curious, I stopped one, and asked the reason for the spoon? "Oh, the consultants", replied the waiter. "We had a consulting firm in, and they determined that the spoon is the most commonly dropped utensil, and 11.5 man hours per week were lost due to retrieval of a fresh one from the Kitchen. We simply use the one in our pocket and replace it next time we are in the kitchen." Wow! That was impressive. I then noticed that each waiter had a small red string hanging from his "fly". Again, curious, I stopped and inquired of the same waiter. "Consultants" he answered. "14.25 man hours are lost per week washing our hands after using the urinals. We simply use the string to extract our equipment without touching it, and no need to wash," he said. Wow! This consulting firm is good, I thought, then, "Hey wait", as I grabbed his arm, "How do you put the "equipment" BACK, without touching it?" "The spoon", he replied. ------------- Js |
Posted By: dochockey
Date Posted: March-22-2015 at 2:33pm
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Did you hear this one Three old catholic men and a catholic woman were having coffee. The first catholic says "My son is a Bishop,when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Your Grace'". The second catholic says "My son is a Cardinal ,when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Your Eminence'". The third catholic says proudly "My son is the Pope.When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". The catholic woman is sipping her coffee and the men give her a "Well....?" She says I have a daughter, Slim and Tall 40 D Breasts 24" Waist & 34" Hips When she walks into a room, people say "JESUS" ------------- 1989 Teal Ski Nautique 1967 Mustang Harris Float Sunfish |
Posted By: MartyMabe
Date Posted: March-30-2015 at 1:16pm
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Puns For Certain Types Of Minds How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die, apparently they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. Didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx . I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Velcro - what a rip off! ------------- 66 Skylark http://www.correctcraftfan.com/diaries/details.asp?ID=5041" rel="nofollow - 93 SN If you're not living in NC, you're just camping out! |
Posted By: Orlando76
Date Posted: March-30-2015 at 3:07pm
| Haha, that's punny. |