JOKES

Puns For Certain Types Of Minds


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

I do business with restaurants, and I was in one the other day, waiting for a check. They were preparing for dinner, and the all male wait staff was busy setting and prepping the fancy tables. Dressed in pressed white shirts, black bowtie and black slacks, they were an impressive sight. As I watched and waited, it occurred to me that they all had a spoon in their chest pocket. Curious, I stopped one, and asked the reason for the spoon? "Oh, the consultants", replied the waiter. "We had a consulting firm in, and they determined that the spoon is the most commonly dropped utensil, and 11.5 man hours per week were lost due to retrieval of a fresh one from the Kitchen. We simply use the one in our pocket and replace it next time we are in the kitchen." Wow! That was impressive. I then noticed that each waiter had a small red string hanging from his "fly". Again, curious, I stopped and inquired of the same waiter. "Consultants" he answered. "14.25 man hours are lost per week washing our hands after using the urinals. We simply use the string to extract our equipment without touching it, and no need to wash," he said. Wow! This consulting firm is good, I thought, then, "Hey wait", as I grabbed his arm, "How do you put the "equipment" BACK, without touching it?"
"The spoon", he replied.

^^^^same thing happened to me......

There was this women in the check out line in the grocery store. She had only a fee items to buy. A half gallon of milk. Two apples. A small bag of coffe and a magazine.
This drunk guy came up behind her in line and said " lady you must be single" she said " i am but how do you know? He said " Cause your ugly as ***************!".

From The Donald

A couple is on vacation in Jeruzalem.
Whilst there, the wife suddenly dies.
The local undertaker says to the husband: "We can transport the body of your late wife back to your home to be burried there for $ 5000. Or, we can burry her here for $ 150 and she would be burried in holy ground".

The husband thinks it over for a while and says to the undertaker: "Just tranport her home".
"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker, "you would rather spend 5000 dollars instead of only 150 dollars and also not burry your wife in the holy ground of Jeruzalem??"

"Look," replies the husband, "a very very long time ago, a man was burried in this holy ground and ressurected from the dead three days later. THAT is a risk I do not wish to take!"

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."


The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second man dies.

A man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

dochockey wrote: What's clear and smells like earthworm? A Robins Fart ! My 8 year old

Oh-- Sure-- blame it on the kid    You probably heard it at the watercooler and decided to pass it along

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

1+2 = 3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

This helps me pass the time sometimes

Click on Me

Then click on pic

Great, just great!!