JOKES

Now that is funny!
Marty you may have to get one and use the "awesome job finding app"

     After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced at his ladylove, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain of guilt. Relax he told himself. Your not the first doctor that sleep with one of his patients.
     No, another inner voice scolded! but but your a veterinarian?

Found this in my Inbox today from Storm34

I have suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs; if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with her girlfriends a lot and stays out late. I try to stay awake and wait for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night, about midnight, I hid in the shed, behind my boat. When she finally came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, and then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on under her short skirt. It was at that moment, crouched behind my boat, I noticed a hairline line crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.



Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

funny!

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting
about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started ...
******************************************
When I got home last night,
my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a Gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife,
'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

My wife and I were checking out new churches, we found one we liked but it was very strict. During a membership meeting we along with two other maried couples were told we had to prove ourselves worthy by going without sex for three months. A meeting was scheduled for 90 days later. At the meeting one couple stated they only held out for two weeks and were promply shown the door and told they could never apply for membership again. The second couple stated proudly that they had lasted just over two months before finally giving in to temptation. they were also told they could never apply for membership again. It came to our turn and I had to confess that we did great for 87 days but on the 88th my wife dropped a jar of penut butter and bent over to pick it up and that was all I could take. I had to have her right then and there, Of course we were told by the church that we could never re-apply again. I said "thats ok, we were banned from our favorite grocery store for life too!"

March was when our

son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an

iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July,

and my wife made me very happy when she bought me

an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August

so we got her an iPod

Touch.




My wife celebrated her birthday

in September so I got her an iRon.





It was around then that the fight

started...

What my wife failed to recognize is

that the iRon can be integrated into the home network

with the iWash, iCook and iClean which I stated to

her.

I

should be out of the hospital next

week!!

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

He heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your tail!"

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid. The fairy godmother says, "I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions! "Anything, " says Cinderella, "anything! "Okay the first condition is you have to wear a d...iaphragm. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin," says the fairy godmother. So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearance... no pumpkin! The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power. Then Cinderella replies, "Peter, Peter something or other? "

Osama's favorite drink is 2 shots and a squirt of water


good one Marty

Obama killed Osama and we got 72 versions.   

Hollywood wrote: Lisa?

Thats what I thought too HW. Sent an e-mail and got no answer back.

john

are we doing penguin jokes?

A penguin's car breaks down so he takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says it'll be about an hour so the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream stand for some ice cream. Well as you know, penguins don't have hands, so he made a mess and got ice cream all over his face and beak. When he returned to the shop, the mechanic says, Mr Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal.

To which the penguin replies, no, that's just a little ice cream.