JOKES

A couple is on vacation in Jeruzalem.
Whilst there, the wife suddenly dies.
The local undertaker says to the husband: "We can transport the body of your late wife back to your home to be burried there for $ 5000. Or, we can burry her here for $ 150 and she would be burried in holy ground".

The husband thinks it over for a while and says to the undertaker: "Just tranport her home".
"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker, "you would rather spend 5000 dollars instead of only 150 dollars and also not burry your wife in the holy ground of Jeruzalem??"

"Look," replies the husband, "a very very long time ago, a man was burried in this holy ground and ressurected from the dead three days later. THAT is a risk I do not wish to take!"

From The Donald

There was this women in the check out line in the grocery store. She had only a fee items to buy. A half gallon of milk. Two apples. A small bag of coffe and a magazine.
This drunk guy came up behind her in line and said " lady you must be single" she said " i am but how do you know? He said " Cause your ugly as ***************!".

^^^^same thing happened to me......

I do business with restaurants, and I was in one the other day, waiting for a check. They were preparing for dinner, and the all male wait staff was busy setting and prepping the fancy tables. Dressed in pressed white shirts, black bowtie and black slacks, they were an impressive sight. As I watched and waited, it occurred to me that they all had a spoon in their chest pocket. Curious, I stopped one, and asked the reason for the spoon? "Oh, the consultants", replied the waiter. "We had a consulting firm in, and they determined that the spoon is the most commonly dropped utensil, and 11.5 man hours per week were lost due to retrieval of a fresh one from the Kitchen. We simply use the one in our pocket and replace it next time we are in the kitchen." Wow! That was impressive. I then noticed that each waiter had a small red string hanging from his "fly". Again, curious, I stopped and inquired of the same waiter. "Consultants" he answered. "14.25 man hours are lost per week washing our hands after using the urinals. We simply use the string to extract our equipment without touching it, and no need to wash," he said. Wow! This consulting firm is good, I thought, then, "Hey wait", as I grabbed his arm, "How do you put the "equipment" BACK, without touching it?"
"The spoon", he replied.

Puns For Certain Types Of Minds


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!