JOKES

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

eric lavine wrote: I got a tattoo of Obama on my arm...my arm quit working

Can't Imagine....

When Ragan was president, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is president, we have no hope, and no cash!      

Mexico is the largest importer of mayonaise from England. They have been importing it for years. In fact the Titanic which was scheduled to stop in Mexico after New York had over 50,000 cases on board when it hit the iceburg.

Mexico was so disdraught over the incident they declare a national holiday. That is how we got Sinko The Mayo.

A young boy walked into the kitchen and asked his mother. "is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
Of course not where did you hear that?
Well I heard daddy talking on the phone and he said he screwed the a$$ off his secretary?

Ok one for the day

A man and a woman met on a cruise ship. I want to warn you up front that I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, & breathe the game!
Well since your being honest so will I. I'm a hooker.
I see Well... Its probably because you're not keeping your wrist straight when you hit the ball?

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

A man joined a dating service to find a mate. He requested a woman who enjoyed water sports and liked formal attire?   They set him up with a penguin.

A blonde pushes her BMW into the car lot and tells the mechanic, " it just died". After tinkering around for a bit the mechanic has it running smoothly. "What's the story?" the blonde asks. The mechanic responds, " just crap in the carburator". The blondes says "great, how often do I have to do that?"

A man was too drunk to drive so he left his car and began walking home. A policeman stopped him and asked what are you doing out here at two A.M.?
I'm going to a lecture!
The cop asked and just who is giving a lecture at this time of night?
My Wife.

    A man sitting at home on the porch with his wife and says," I Love You!" She asks, Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies,

   " It's me ...................................................................................................................................................................talking to the BEER!

Q: Why don't women fart...?
A: They do not shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see... you back in court Monday. "Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend? "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. " "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them? "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs. "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do? " (to the 2nd boy)"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever. " "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that! "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your a$$ hole before prison."

A plane flying along at normal altitude, the pilot notice that they where losing altitiude.So the pilot decided to dump most of the cargo out of the plane to regain alititude. The cargo did not help, and the plane was still losing altitude.

The pilot then scratched his head and said" to regain altitude the only thing to do now is to lose most of the passengers". We will go alphabetical order.The pilot made the announement throughout the plane.

One hispanic boy turned and looked at his dad, and said dad, we are hispanic, we will be one of the first one's. His father looked at his son and said, no son, we are WETBACKS TODAY.

A black boy was really terrified and turned and looked at his mom and said, mom we will be one of the first ones. We are black mom. His mother turned and looked her son and said, No son, we are ngga's TODAY..   

My good black friend her at work told me that joke. I bought died when I heard it.. Hope you enjoy

    A young Scotsman went to study at a English university and lived in a residence hall with other students.After a month or so his mother came to visit. How do you like the English students son? she asked.
    Mother! they're such noisy people.
The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and the one on the other side screams all night?
    How do you put up with such noisy neighbors?
I ignore them. I just mind my own business and play my bagpipes.

Along the same line.

Three friends married women from different parts of the country. The first man married a woman from South Dakota. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.The second man married a woman from Wisconsin. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.